#ME TOO

*Disclaimer this has nothing to do with the fact that I am queer woman. *

I am seeing this movement on the internet and it has brought me back to a place in my life where I refused to revisit until now. 

They say blood is thick than water but what if the one who you consider to be family is the one that scared you in a way only years of suppression can “hide”. 

I was a child ;I can’t remember what age I was when this started but I knew I was not fully a teenager yet. He would visit us and it would be like any normal day but it all went left once my parents left the room. 

He would put his hands down my pants an fondle me and in my head at the time this was okay , he was my uncle nothing is wrong but I was a child I didn’t  really understand what was going on. 

This situation happened more than once, I have suppressed it so much I can’t remember the exact number. When I got older and really realized what he did I felt like I was in a bubble and I couldn’t say anything because it would destroy our family. 

How can you think that is right to do that to not one but two of your nieces. All I want to know is why?

At 21 years old the thought of being in a room alone with you makes me anxious and uncomfortable, seeing you at family events makes me want to turn around and just go home because all I get is flash backs and the feeling of stupidity and fear that washes over me. 

Now I see intamecy in a way that is just so fucked up. I feel like I need to give my body to a partner and not say anything but I have meet amazing women who have show me what it’s like to be cherished not only in a sexual but meant all way  and I’m forever greatful. 

Karma is a bitch and she will get you but I have moved on 

A Zen Space

So I started to meditate again after taking a very long break and wow was this sessions was like a spring cleaning of my spirit. 

I sat on the floor of room for almost fifteen minutes just on an internal journey. I was constantly being brought to my heart and my mind. I was able to dust of the shelves in my heart and get rid of some of the old junk that I had been caring around for a while but there was a shelf that just had an aura that made me stay away and that’s fine. 

My mind was a different story, I couldn’t pass the threshold to even start cleaning out the past. The more I sat there just focusing on my breathing the more I wanted to just get the courage to pass the door. 

Meditation brought me to a place where I know I need to clear out my internal closet. Let’s see what I discover after a few more sessions. 

The Plight Of A Single Mother

Economically the world has been evolving and its causes some to get richer and then there is the rest of us. 

Being in a house hold where my mother is the bread winner , the doctor, the teacher and everything in between is like being in a world war of words, actions and emotions. She is in a place where she can’t provide for her family to the extent that she want to because she is not as educated and because her work is seasonal we often have to struggle to make ends meet a lot of the times. 

Though she is a “single” mom she makes sure that she is doing the best she can to hide the worst of it from me however I can see the walls break down behind her eyes, the way how my voice sounds when I say I am hungry hurts her ears because all she is trying to do is her best. 

My father is there but also not there; he has his new life now and has some what forgotten about the one he had before but we are still striving. My single mother has gone hungry and with out some much so I can attended a college that fosters my artistic talents but with that comes the price she has to pay. Depressed, heartbroken and just miserable but the smile on her face when I proudly state the college I attended is worth her pain. 

Her hopes and dreams are to make me succced in life and even if it is the last thing I do I will make her not only proud but able to put her feet up and not have to worry about the bills any more.

THE BEAUTY OF NATURE

You lay on the sand tucked away on the corner of a nudist beach 
Your heart is racing and your looking at everyone around you but something about the ocean compels you to just be free and let go of all inhibitions  

The sand is warm under your body The sun kisses your melanin skin giving you the glow your ancestors had .The cool air flows over your body causing everything to stand at attention. 

You are a complete being in this moment. The sounds that flow from your mouth nourishes the soil below you. 

The scent of your body sends out a beacon of light attracting positivity like a moth to a flame. 

The weirdness you felt before has melted away you have become one with the day. 

Embracing the power of your sexuality 

Showing the world that your not sorry 

Engraving into your brain that your body is glorious and that you deserve to be kissed by the gods above. 

As your skin darkens the sun sets. You look out at the ocean tides and a wave of energy washes over you. 

Your body is in balance with your spirit , the world is calm for that split second, everything is alright. 

As your leaving you make a wish; What ever was in that atmosphere may it be passed on to your generations that follow and give them that wisdom that it had just placed upon the crown of your head. 

I Feel Deeply

I hate when I express my emotions to people who I consider friends and they make it seem as if I’m being dramatic when they don’t have the slightest clue what I’m going through. 

I’m tired of being the shoulder to lean on I need that in my life now. I have so much going on that I don’t know where to start or how to function in everyday life. 

My emotions run very deep , I know this but please for Christ sake don’t make them seem like they are just simple things; which in turn hurst my feelings. I don’t share how I feel with people for a reason and for my friends and family to react that way is the exact reason I do not. 

Everyone has their hard times but when it hits you all at once you get knocked of your rockers for a while.  Give me a space where I am safe to express how the train crash of my thoughts are going and what I plan to do as a rescue efforts. 

Don’t under value my feelings because you think I’m being negative or I’m being dramatic. That shit does more harm than good