Where Have I Been…

Header by: @deeana.arts

Well, the long and short of it all is that life happened.

Welcome to me rewriting my story. Its currently April 2023 and since my last post so much has happened. I have loved, lost, grieved, hit rock bottom, restarted and did that all over again too many times than I wish to mentally process.

However, this is my first step in trying to fall back in love with the things that make me happy and content. Will I possibility disappear again, who knows. But this is me being present for myself, my craft and for my inner child.

I am using this to signify my first step on this journey.

Emotional Reservoir

Photo by Maria Tyutina from Pexels

Is it always ok to be the one pouring your heart and soul into something/someone and not seeing a drop of result?

We all have that one person who to us they are heaven, earth and hell but to them you feel like your not even as big as a grain salt in their salt.

This thought has been on my mind for a while due to one those nights; just there laying in bed and replaying your life so far. The images of life flashes by like the movies credits but this reel was highlighting the red flag that i had missed due to “love” or lust.

There will/is that one person in our life that we constantly pour our everything in and its like the levels keep rising. However when its time for them to release some of the emotions its like the tap doesn’t work. In a instant you are reminded that how you feel may not be mirrored back to you.

Now you have the thought of; Was i dumb? , Did they even care? , Is this me being over dramatic? Should i say something?, etc. The list of question seem to never end in the mental rolodex.

Ask your self this, If shit was really hitting the fan would they be there for you the way that you would drop the world to be with them??…

Being Afraid of My Femininity

Header image by Elle (@elle_kh)

Being assigned female at birth one is automatically expected to full fill an imaginary societal checklist which may not apply to one’s self.  For me, the thought of being “girly” was deemed as weak or not as strong as a man; these thoughts were further rooted in my subconscious because of the household I grew up in.

As a child, my feminity was not something that was really highlighted to be or even explained. As I grew older I became more of a “tomboy” who wore all black and was just a nerdy weirdo however with my thirst for knowledge I discovered that a lot of things that were being instilled into me were not the actual reality of the world.  Now I am an “adult” and I am just beginning the journey of exploring my “girly” side. This will be a hard process for me as I have been placed into so many boxes by society; queer, black, woman, Caribbean, artsy, nerd, etc; that I may not personally fit all the guidelines to be apart of that group.

I am too straight passing to be queer

I am too much of an “oreo” to be black

I am too “masculine” to be girly

I am to “worldly” to embrace my Caribbean roots

I am too nerdy to be artsy

 

Well, guess what fuck the boxes you want me to be in. A new decade is approaching and I will not be putting myself in a box to make people happy anymore, time for me to take a step in exploring both my masculine and my feminine side who knows maybe I will discover something new about myself.

The Internal Journey To One’s Emotions

Emotions

A thing that is feared but also loved by many. An aspect of a person that either makes them feel like they are on the happiest hill just smiling like there are no worries but on the other hand you can feel you heartbreak to the point of no return when told just a single word.

My journey with emotions has been a turmoil. I’m currently back at the stage where I pretend like it’s not an aspect of my self that I need. My emotions are like the reflection that you hate to see after you just had a really bad “ugly cry”. This is not something that is actually helpful to me as an individual but we all have our own bags that we need to unpack.

My road map to finding back even 1% of my emotions will feel like I have been hit by a series of natural disasters all at once, but I will be the only one feeling it. This might be a journey that breaks me one day and makes me stronger the next however I am ready to face the battles that may come.

Embrace your emotions because becoming emotionally dead is another obstacle in its self that will take longer to unlearn than those few minutes you would cry.

The Things You Taught Me

Where do I begin? They say people come into your life for a reason season or a lifetime but what if that reason is to teach both of you a lesson that no one else could teach you.

I found that my energy liked yours and only the heavens could tell but there was always something that makes me come back to you but was that the best choice for e in those situations. Here I am processing the years in which our paths have crossed and the wounds have healed and new ones opened. I wish you nothing but the best in life but there are just a few things in life that you have taught me that I should never ignore again.

Lessons Learned:

1. never ignore my gut feelings when it comes to a situation
2. you may care for someone but the roles the universe may have us to play in each other’s lives I not be what we want it to be
3. you can love from a distance
4. pain is apart of the growth
5. others still have demons to tame and they cant be on the same pace as you are with your demons.

We have known each other for more than 4 journies around the sun but iguess this time we need to walk seperate paths to the sun. I will always be there to support whether it be in spirit or in person but there is a lesson that i have been avoiding for too long.  Its now time to settle my own demons and reconnect to the little girl who wants my attention again.

Header image by: Marcus Wöckel

 

 

The First Step In This Scary Journey

So I took the plunge and decided to do something about a feeling I have had for 4 years. The scariest part of having had this feeling for so long you are afraid that you will not only fuck up what may have been present before or it been better than you thought it would be.

I care about us but I’m also scared shitless to embark on this new journey with you but let’s do this.

Let’s take this one day at a time, building a foundation for a great future. The universe wouldn’t have had us go through this journey to not be where we are today.

Let’s enjoy the days as they come…

 

Header image by fotografierende

 

Of Significant Value

The holidays are a rather difficult time for me but attending the family gathering of a friend has put certain things into perspective. Tell the people you love that you love them before it’s too late. They might not die but they might move away or you light drift apart so before you lose them tell them that they held some sort of significant value at some point in your life. They might not say it back but atleast they know that you appreciate the little things that they do for you and that’s all that matters……..